Funniest News Headlines

Forecasters call for weather on Monday funniest newspaper headlines

“Forecasters call for weather on Monday”

They make no promises about Tuesday. Enjoy the weather on Monday while you have it because the rest of the week could contain no atmosphere whatsoever. And for more total silliness, check out these 30 Funniest Celebrity Memes.

Amphibious pitcher makes debute funniest newspaper headlines

“Amphibious pitcher makes debut”

We knew Aqua Man had bigger ambitions than just being the guy in Super Friends who can call dolphins. And for more laughs, check out these 30 Funniest Photos of Celebrities as Teens.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Cows lose their jobs as milk prices drop”

It’s always heartbreaking when a cow can’t bring in a steady income. For more animal humor, check out the 40 Funniest Jokes About Animals.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Miracle cure kills fifth patient”

You may want to look up the definition of the word “cure.” We’re pretty sure you’re confusing it with “deranged hospital serial killer.” And for some actually sound health advice, check out the 70 Tips for Your Best Sleep Ever. 

funniest newspaper headlines

“Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney”

Said his new lawyer, “I just realized I failed my bar exam. So sorry, gotta run!” For more lawyerly quips, check out these 20 Hilarious Things Actually Said in Court.

funniest newspaper headlines

“State population to double by 2040, babies to blame”

Is it too late to stop this nefarious plot by babies? They may be small, but they’re sneaky.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement”

This supposed improvement doesn’t include being able to correctly spell the state where they live. To catch a glimpse of greatness in every state of this great country, check out The Best Joke Written About Every U.S. State.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”

A groundbreaking discovery brought to you by the same scientific minds who discovered the link between walking and leaving the house.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Police arrest everyone on February 22nd”

So that’s where grandma went! For more jokes of the childish variety, check out the 50 Jokes from Children That Are Crazy Funny.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Thursday is cancelled”

Can we cancel Friday too and just make it a four-day weekend?

funniest newspaper headlines

“Bridge closure date: Thursday or October”

Since Thursday’s been canceled, we better plan for October.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking”

Well, that’s weird, we thought most of the damage was caused by hurtful sarcasm. You know how mean-spirited earthquakes can be.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”

Imagine if they’d raided a gun shop and found nothing but adorable puppies. And for more great jokes, don’t miss these Hilarious Tweets Every Retail Worker Can Relate To.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Safety meeting ends in accident”

Next time maybe you should have an accident meeting. It’s the only way to keep people safe.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Muddy Creek Problem: It’s too muddy”

Now that that’s solved, can we figure out what’s going on with Trash-Filled Lake?

funniest newspaper headlines

“Murderer says detective ruined his reputation”

He was a respected member of his community who occasionally murdered people until that meddling lawyer came along. To see your favorite celebrities dressed in orange, check out The 20 Funniest Celebrity Mugshots.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”

Hold on, let’s hear them out. Give us one good reason not to take poison and we’ll consider it.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs”

Whatever that entomologist paid for his education, it was too much.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Students Cook & Serve Grandparents”

We know the school cafeteria options aren’t great, but please don’t have to resort to grandparent cannibalism!

funniest newspaper headlines

“Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”

It almost renews your faith in our legal system, doesn’t it?

funniest newspaper headlines

“Hospitals resort to hiring doctors”

Who was their first choice? A guy with a pocket wrench and a “general idea” of human anatomy who works for minimum wage?

funniest newspaper headlines

“Farmer using cannon to protect watermelons”

Hope he’s not using his watermelons as cannonballs. That would kind of defeat the purpose.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Voters to vote on whether to vote”

If they vote against voting, does that mean they’ve broken the law by voting not to vote? For more natural writing ability, check out these 30 Funniest Jokes in Popular Songs.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Museums full of history”

Great observation. Here’s another one: Your writers are out of story ideas.

funniest newspaper headlines

“Goat accused of robbery”

The worst part is, the goat was out on parole. For more laughs, check out these 30 Funniest Celebrity Pet Moments.

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